Today I had a running dialogue with myself in my head. Words, phrases, pictures. Have you ever really listened to yourself? I just couldn’t turn it off. Scattered pictures bouncing around in my head. Deep discussions about everything. So I washed hardwood floors, polished furniture, treated leather furniture, ironed, folded laundry, washed the dog, clipped the dog, then cleaned the bathroom from washing the dog. It was day of physical work with constant talking in my head. I never put on the TV or radio. I think the noise in my head would have drowned out any other sound in the house.
I managed to finish my book, No Country for Old Men by Cormac McCarthy, which I thoroughly enjoyed. I decided that when I neglect my writing, the stories and dialogue swim around in my brain, looking for an outlet. This afternoon when I sat down to open my email, I was greeted by an article that I had written a while ago that was published in Lanier Travel Newsletter (www.lanierbb.com). What a pleasant surprise! It made me think about the first time I saw my name in print – not on a rejection letter. I was writing for a local rag a high school sports column with my photography. At first the articles were just published; then later I was given a byline. Seeing my name in print was exciting, but with that excitement came anxiety. I was no longer writing anonymously. Readers knew who I was. I mean what if they didn’t like what I wrote. Scary stuff! Overtime I came to grips with the fact that I write for myself, to discover who I am, and what I really think. In the classroom, I told my students, “writing is the inking of your thinking.” And it’s true. It is only by writing that we discover what we really think about anything. Sometimes I think I know what I want to say only to discover that as I put my words on paper, I end up somewhere else. That is just so interesting.
When I write, I get “into the moment” and the thoughts and ideas flow and I feel good as words become sentences and sentences paragraphs. Thank goodness I write for myself, otherwise, I probably would be having an anxiety attack right now!